Child Repellent — DEET Free


Someone once asked me whether or not I wanted children. Being trained as a lawyer, I often answer questions with questions, so I asked, “Do you think they could genetically engineer a quiet one?” After getting a negative response, I continued, “Does Valium stunt growth? … What if it’s mashed up in jelly?” My comments were partly in jest, but I would be lieing if I said that I don’t find most children rather abrasive. While parents and procreationists the world over claim, “You love them when they’re yours,” I think we can all agree that kids and teenagers are often loud and incredibly annoying. We may also agree that at one time or another we have all thought that maybe the world would be a better place if it were policy to ship them elsewhere to bloom, so as not to burden the rest of us (innocent bystanders) with their in-between stages.

Well, apparently some of the like-minded among us have an entrepreneurial zeal. An unnamed Welsh company has created the “ultra-sonic child deterrent.” Like similar inventions designed to repel other annoying things, like mosquitos and biting insects, this device emits a high-frequency noise audible only to its subjects (people under the age of 20). Even more notable, there is a market for it, with an estimated 3,500 units sold in England. While I think the idea is BRILLIANT — and I might even use one now and again if no one would ever know about it — civil liberties groups kind of have a point when they argue that the concept and its implementation is pretty fucked up (I believe the official terms are “discriminatory” and “violative of human rights and civil liberties”). Even so, it is nice to think that you wouldn’t be at the mercy of bad parenting during those long, rush-hour subway rides … *Sigh* … I’m afraid there’s just too much room for abuse. But don’t be deterred, inventors, you’re heading in the right direction. We just can’t go straight for the gold; obviously, directly, like a dog in heat. These things take finesse. Now go to it and go to it quickly. Please. I live next door to a middle school.

5 Responses to “Child Repellent — DEET Free”

  1. 1 dobeman

    This product was originally designed to annoy loiterers outside businesses there, but I think you’re the first to consider using this idea as a personal anti-youth device that could be worn around town. It would probably keep dogs away too…which means there’s a market for joggers and lil’ old ladies.

    When I was in the military, we used a similar mechanism (a frequency oscillator) to annoy co-workers on the next shift. We’d tune the device to a frequency just above normal adult hearing (dogs and kids notice it), crank the volume to high, and then go home. While you can’t hear it, your subconcious registers it and after a while, people tend to get irritated. It was our favorite dirty trick.

  2. 2 Roger Phillips

    Where can i get one please

  3. 3 mrs h e bateson

    Please can I buy a deterrent, I am plagued by children playing outside my property which is annoying seven days a week I would like some peace and quiet sometimes

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