Male Hand-Me-Downs

14Apr08

Things with Mr. Zegna have been progressing smoothly. We’re almost ready to plant tomatoes. Almost. We passed the exclusivity road mark a few miles back and I am happy to say that most of his women, save for one, have finally stopped calling. Stay tuned for brilliantly-hatched plans on how to put the kibosh on the calling from this Last Mohican — I promise lots of sadistic humor and political incorrectness. Until then, however, I need to figure out what to do with my Last Mohican. Or, rather, Mr. Valdez.

It’s not that Mr. Valdez is in the dark and/or holding out hope for a happy ending (take that literally or figuratively). No, he doesn’t keep calling (and calling, and calling), despite his knowledge of my new status. Mr. Valdez is drama-free — a man after my own heart. I needed only to tell him that Mr. Zegna and I are riding into the sunset and that there’s no room for him in the car. My problem with this is that Mr. Valdez is a cool, laid-back, attractive, tall, ambitious, successful, sophisticated, well-educated, and well-dressed 29-year-old with an accent. You don’t have to be long single in New York to know that men like Mr. Valdez are few and far between. And like any hot commodity, any delicacy, any designer dress that’s been hanging in your closet unworn because it just doesn’t fit right … it feels wrong to just throw it out. You MUST pass it on. Mr. Valdez is the gourmet, hand-made chocolate that I received as an Easter gift but which my waistline couldn’t handle. I gave the chocolates to Mr. Zegna’s mother; however, I think she would be an inappropriate repository for Mr. Valdez.  That and, like any good European mother, she fed the chocolate right back to me. We want Mr. Valdez permanently (or at least semi-permanently) placed — in a good home, of course, but a more enduring one than Zegna Mom’s fridge (although I’m not complaining. Nothing can heal the soul like a European mother and the food that she packs up for you in plastic shopping bags).

So, I’ve decided that I must pass him on to one of my single friends. Is that inappropriate? And if it’s not inappropriate in spirit, how do I close the transaction in a manner that doesn’t render it practically inappropriate? If I can clear the idea with Mr. Zegna (although, much to my surprise, I recently learned that I haven’t earned the same consideration from him in the past), I will invite Mr. Valdez to a gathering. Soon. Before the opportunity gets all white and tasteless. Or before moths eat holes in it. You get the point.

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2 Responses to “Male Hand-Me-Downs”

  1. 1 Samantha

    Well, I have taken quite a close look on your website and I must say that I find it extraordinarily interesting. You can be sure that I will come back pretty soon.

  2. 2 Brklyngrrl

    I think it’s appropriate and will probably be much appreciated!


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